Bitter Sweet Honey

Here are my basic rules for a successful friends with benefits relationship as requested by a friend. I’ve tried to make the rules non-gender specific. I’m sure I could come up with a longer list, but these are the key rules all must follow and understand.

16. Act like you been here before. No not literally here, but in a non-committed relationship. That means don’t call me just because. Don’t ask me if the sex is good or not. Don’t make it awkward cause I’ve now seen you naked. Just be cool. We adults so handle it like an adult.

15. Go home. Don’t post up in my place like its your place. It is not. If you fall asleep, have the courtesy of not making it awkward and just leaving in the morning. Don’t try to monopolize my whole damn day/weekend. If we gonna hang out, that’s cool, but it really does have to be mutual other wise you just fucking up my action with someone else.

14. Don’t treat it like we dating. We not. So no gifts, thank you cards or shit like that. And no you can’t borrow 20.00. That shit will just get in the way.

13. Use your own toothbrush. Really. We can fuck, suck and lick all over each other and inside body parts. We can swap bodily fluids like 9,000. But having to brush my teeth after you’ve used my toothbrush is just nasty.

12. Be honest with me. Save the lies for your significant other. Let’s keep it 100%.

11. Don’t go through my shit behind my back. You the other woman/man, so what you looking for?

10. Follow the Rules. This is pretty self explanatory. These rules are here for a reason. Please follow them. They are to make sure you don’t get your feelings hurt and I don’t get my shit cut up, slashed or burned.

9. Don’t talk about your problems. Look, I got my own damn problems. I don’t need nor want to hear about yours. We really just here for the sex and escape from the shit going down in our real life. The whole “friend” thing is just so neither of us feels like a tramp or ho or piece of meat.

8. Make it fun. Don’t nag me about shit. Other than safe sex and getting an AIDs test.

7. If you gonna talk about our relationship, use fake names. Why you trying to fuck my real relationship up?

6. Don’t cry to me about your man/woman. If we really friends all that will do is make me hate him/her and throw shade they way which won’t help your relationship. Save that bullshit for your gay friends. If we ain’t friends, then it will make one of us fall for the other.

5. Don’t leave evidence behind. Come on now, really? You know if you my fuck buddy, I just might have another fuck buddy for those days I don’t want to fuck you. That and I’m still looking for a serious relationship and you’re not it. Don’t fuck shit up for me.

4. Know your role. You are not and will likely never be hubby/wifey or even real boy/girlfriend. If you were gonna be in another role, then we would be doing that instead of fucking as friends. In basketball terms, you made it to the starting 5, but you not the teams superstar. Deal with it. Also your job is to make me feel good about me. Don’t fuck that shit up. P.s. Swallow, it is important.

3. Control your shit. No I don’t mean orgasming early. Don’t get jealous. When you see me out with someone else just realize that you and I still gonna fuck later on. Don’t cause a scene. Be cool.

2. Don’t fall in love. I repeat do not fall in love. If you do, you’ll be in love all by your lonesome and that’s a fucked up place to be.

1. Don’t have a friend with benefits. We too old for this shit. Have a companion or get married. Friends with benefits for adults who are real about they shit is called dating. Stop fucking around and grow up. Unless you under 25, then I guess it’s still o.k. I’m lying. Grow the fuck up.