On the date: February 02, 2010 2:48 am
     

    Meeting 2 of 52: I got picked up

    On 01.25.10, In Dating Advice, My Adventures: 52 dates in a year, By SinnerX

    While waiting for The Possum to arrive for our first official date, I walked into CVS to buy gum and lip balm. A nice lady at the check out stand asked if I needed any help. I replied, “No thank you.” After perusing CVS’s wears for a few more minutes, I checked out in her line. She asked, “So does 9 p.m. work for you?” I replied, “Yes, as long as it is 9 p.m. tomorrow” and smiled. She finished checking me out smiling. As she handed me my receipt, I said, “Well I certainly can’t take you out without your phone number.” She replied, “I was just doing a little harmless flirting. You’d go out with me for real?” I said, “Of course. Why not?” She wrote her number on a scrap of paper and handed it to me. I tried to read her name, but couldn’t, so I smiled at her and left..

    The moral of the story? Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and seize opportunity from random places. Being confident and relaxed often brings opportunity. You just have to recognize them and grab them when they appear.

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    Meeting 1 of 52: Picking up a chick at the Bar

    On 01.21.10, In My Adventures: 52 dates in a year, By SinnerX

    As my twitter followers know, I have been challenged to go on 52 dates in 2010. I am way off pace, but finally met someone for date number 1. Here’s what happened, how successful my dating techniques are, and my mistakes.

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    I met The Possum on Saturday at a restaurant with a bar area. She was sitting at the little end of an L shaped bar. I directed my group of guys so that I could end up next to her at the end of the long side of the L. That’s right, I intentionally positioned it so I could sit next to her. Never leave positioning to chance if you can avoid it. Then I found a reason to engage her in polite conversation.

    At some point a dude she was trying to do business with showed up. I tried to let her conduct her business with the hope she’d finish up and I could resume picking her up, but my buddies started talking to them and that made it easier to re-engage with her. Now why did I stop? Well, I personally think that we shouldn’t try to hit on people while they are doing business with someone. Just my own personal thing.

    Anyway, during my conversation with The Possum, I made it a point to keep the conversation light and funny. Somehow we got on the discussion of relationships. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to connect with her. I just agreed with most of what she said. At this point the entire group is conversing about relationships. It was fun for her and no one was hitting on her with the normal pick up lines that women get in bars. Instead we made a natural connection.

    Now we are in this group conversation, how do I stand out? Remember I placed myself next to my target. I started the conversation with her. Because of the seating, I was also able to get fairly close with her and invade her personal space a bit. During the conversation, I asked her questions about her like what was her favorite drink, why was she at the bar alone, what was the business deal, etc. I even apologized for interrupting her business meeting. Nothing stellar, but I tried to make my conversation with her much more personal, let her know I was interested in her as a person, and interested in getting to know her.

    The other key thing that I did during this entire period was that I touched her. I touched her a lot. Not in an offensive way, but I would touch her hand to make a point or to agree with her. I would also touch her when I said her name. Again, the point was to make a good bond with her where she felt comfortable around me and wanted to see me again. I cannot stress this enough. Touching in a non-offensive way goes a long way in bonding. And people love to hear their own name. Doing both of those things in combination is a powerful technique.

    Remember she had a male friend at the table. She made it a point to put announce that he was in the friend zone. It was a sign to me that she was available. There’s so much more that I could say about him, but my buddies and I agreed that he could have had The Possum if he’d had the right coach. Instead, he paid for her food, and I got a date with her. But I’m jumping a head.

    At some point there was some discussion about what I did and her male friend asked for one of my cards. I gave him one, but did not give her one. Instead, I noticed that she had a pink post it pad. I took it and hand wrote it on her post it pad, then stuck it on the page she had open in her day-timer appointment book and leaned in and told her to call me. Now I screwed up here because I wrote my actual cell number on the post it. If you read me, you know I advocate giving out the google voice number. I just haven’t memorized mine yet. I also took a big chance at this point, because most women won’t call you unless you make a serious connection with them.

    Since we were trading business cards, I took this as my opportunity to get her cell phone number. That’s right, I always ask for the cell phone number. If I get that I can reach her anywhere and I know I’m in good with her. What did I do? I asked her for her business card and she gave it to me. I then asked her to write her cell phone number on the back. She said it was already on there. Sweet.

    I let the conversation progress back to relationships. At some point, she was a bit tipsy and her friend was nearing drunk. He made an crazy comment about how he or we should get her more drunk. I took it as an opportunity to show her I would “protect her” and said, that’s it your cut off. It was a symbolic and empty gesture. I ordered me a water. I can hold my liquor and since I’m working, drinking makes you sloppy. Which unfortunately led to my next mistake.

    I leaned over and said, “So can I take you to dinner?” She said, “Yes.” A yes I barely heard as I was contemplating banging my head on the bar. Never invite a woman to dinner as a first date. Ever. This was a particularly tragic mistake as The Possum had already pointed out that even for her “business” date with her friend she wanted an upscale location which translates into expensive. First dates should never be expensive because I’m the one paying for it.

    Since me and my buddies had an appointment, I wrapped up the conversation with The Possum by saying I wish I could stay longer, wish I could have bought her another drink and looked forward to talking to her soon.

    So was I successful? Did my technique work? Remember when I said that women rarely call guys unless they are interested and there’s been some bonding. She called me the next morning. I quickly set up our first date.

    Happy dating.
    Addendum
    Since writing this I have been on two dates with The Possum and S1 has earned the name “The Possum”. What was interesting about our date yesterday was that she critiqued my moves from when I picked her up. So I thought I would give you some of her assessment.

    First, she said that I should have been much more aggressive when her friend came around. I should have either announced me intentions to continue to talk to her later or made a point of finishing my pick up before she started to talk to him. In her words, her friend was no invading my yard and it was my job to kick the gate closed on him.

    Second, she did not notice the maneuvering that I did to sit next to her. I had to recount our entrance to point out to her that I did in fact ensure that I would sit next to her. She finally admitted that I she noticed me and one of my friends pause before sitting.

    Third she claimed that she was hurt when I didn’t offer her a business card. She also noted that her life was in her day planner and just smiled when I pointed out that I put my actual cell phone number in a spot that she wouldn’t lose it.

    So that’s her position. Do my techniques work? Well I got her number. She called me. I won’t ruin the first or second date stories, but they will be posted soon.

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    90 day friendship rule or not?

    On 01.18.10, In Questionable Dating Rule, By SinnerX

    I had an interesting discussion on saturday with a cute lady at a bar. The conversation revolved, of course, around relationships. She outlined what she called the 90-day rule. I had never heard of such a thing before.

    She believes that it takes about 90 days to really get to know another person. And that during that 90 day time period there should be no sex. No sex? Yep, no sex. However, during this 90 day period, you are not exclusively dating, so according to her you can sex up someone else to have your needs met.

    The reason that you do not engage in sex during the 90 day “getting to know you” period is so that sex does not complicate this new relationship. According to her, this is the time that you establish a friendship which is the foundation of a relationship.

    When I mentioned this rule to a male friend of mine, he laughed. He doesn’t think 90 days is necessary. He did appreciate that she at least allowed for sex with someone else.

    What do you guys and gals think about this interesting rule?

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    The Art of Mingling. Ladies Edition.

    On 01.12.10, In Dating Advice, Female, By SinnerX

    Remember the key to dating often is to mingle and meet people. So how do you do that at a club or other spot where men will try to latch onto you in hopes of getting lucky that night? How do you let that guy you’ve set your sights on know that he’s done enough to get you interested? How do you close the deal so that the next time he sees you, you can nod and wink at him and he’ll move on to the next girl?

    1. Control where you stand and sit. When you enter a new spot, be it a club or happy hour or even a friends dinner party, you need to be aware of where you sit or stand. You want to place yourself in a high traffic area. It increases your chances of bumping into new people. Also make sure that people have easy access to come over and talk to you once you smile at them;

    2. Work the room. You will not meet many cute guys hiding in the midst of your girlfriends or sitting in the darkest corner of the room with no easy access to you. Instead, get up and walk around the room from time to time and join in various conversations. That will give you an opportunity to look for attractive guys. It will also make it easier for them to talk to you since the ice is already broken by you joining in the conversation. When you get tired of walking around, then you can go back and chill with the girls for a minute. Once you’ve rested up again, back out you go; and

    3. Offer your number. If you are interested in the guy, offer him your phone number. Remember, most guys are spending that entire first conversation with you trying to figure out how and when to get your phone number. Giving your number with a simple “call me tomorrow” or “call me later” is a great way to send the message that he’s succeeded in getting you interested in him. This also lets you end the conversation politely so that you can move on to selecting the next guy to woo you.

    Good luck and happy dating.

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    How To Be An Approachable Woman

    On 01.11.10, In Dating Advice, Female, By SinnerX

    Seems that my last couple of blog posts focused on things that guys could do to improve their dating life. So this blog will be one for the ladies. My advice for you is actually fairly easy. Women always have the upper hand in dating because your role is more passive. Before you send me hate mail, this is not a bad thing. Just different. Dating is all about roles and goals. You have to understand gender roles in dating to be effective. And you have to know what your goal is to make sure you’re not working hard at wasted effort.

    Traditionally, men have been the ones who pursue women. They try to woo you. Your job, then is to make it easy for the guy you like to do just that. You have to understand that it is very hard for a guy, no matter how confident, to approach you and to begin the process. So you have to target your guy, then just seem interested in him. In other words, let him know subtly that you’re open to his attempts to win you over. Here are a few tips to make you more approachable:

    1. Smile. I can’t reiterate this enough. If you do nothing else, when you see a guy that you’re interested in, catch his eye briefly smile, and then look away shyly. This will let him know you’re interested and open to conversation more than anything else you do. It also gives him the boost he may need to come over and say hello. Throughout your conversation with your dream guy smile at him from time to time. It let’s him know he’s making progress;

    2. Separate from the heard. Dating is a scary world. So to be comfortable women go out in groups. This is just about the worst thing you can do to meet a guy. First, your buddies intensify a guys anxiety to approach you. Not only does he now have to risk getting shot down by you, but shot down by you in front of five of your closest friends. So instead of helping you, they are a barrier to openness. Furthermore, if a guy does approach, the competition between women quickly turns your friends into frienemies whose jealousy that the guy did not choose them will make them go out of their way to prevent you and the guy from connecting. If you must go out with a friend or two, take a moment to separate yourself from them to give guys an opportunity to come over and chat you up. You can always meet back up with your friends at a set time / location from time to time throughout the evening. After all, you’re not there to meet them;

    3. Say Hello. Remember, you’re out and about to meet people. Feel free to introduce yourself to someone and make small talk. Wait, didn’t you say be passive? Yes. But mingling isn’t about coming on to someone. It’s about being open to meeting people. Saying hello to someone is not an aggressive move. We do it all the time. But it gives the guy you are interested in an opportunity to begin talking to you. Nothing more; and

    4. Catch his eye. Have you ever looked at someone that you were totally into, and the instant he turned to look at you, you look away? Men and women do it. It is also entirely the wrong thing to do. Instead, catch his eye briefly. Eye contact is a powerful indicator of interest.

    Remember your goal in the dating world is to meet new people. So examine your actions and when they are not helping you to reach your dating goal, change them!

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    Last post of 2009

    On 12.31.09, In Uncategorized, By SinnerX

    So here we are on the last day of 2009 heading into the year I like to call 5X420 for obvious reasons. Most bloggers are doing their various lists of either why 2009 sucked or what they plan to do for 2010. There will be no year in review here nor any future promises that won’t be kept in the upcoming year.

    Instead, I will just wish you a happy and safe new year. Peace and Blessings to your all.

     
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    Dating Tip: Self confidence is the key to successful dating.

    On 12.30.09, In Dating Advice, Male, By SinnerX

    The number one thing you can do to attract a woman is to be confident. It is that simple.

    According to Dictionary.com the second definition is “belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.” Even the dictionary recognizes this dating truth “His lack of confidence defeated him.

    The words that I think best illustrate to what it means to be confident are found in the third meaning. They are certitude and assurance. But those words alone don’t give you the fullness of meaning in the context of dating.

    Now according to @blackbarbie027 confidence is displayed by having attitude. You should have certitude in your ability to get the girl (or guy). You should have assurance in your worthiness of them. Still it’s more than that. You must own the room. Simply put, you must believe that you are the shit, that you are worthy to be in the game. You must be willing to ask for the world because you truly think you will get it. And you must act accordingly.

    What can you do to appear more confident:

    1. Be assertive. This is a guy only tip. What it means is to make decisions. Plan the date. Have a back up plan, even if she doesn’t like plan A. Open the door for her. Decide where you want to sit in the restaurant / park / lounge. Suggest food that she might like. Ask her what she would like, then tell the waiter. In other words, be the man in the situation.

    2. Look your date in the eye. Shy people (like myself) tend to avoid eye contact. They look downward. If you find yourself doing this, raise your eyes and look at your date’s eyes from time to time. It helps to make a connection as well. Just be careful not to stare for an overly long time.

    3. Smile. You are on a date. Be happy. Confident people are generally confident that they can handle anything. You are confident, so smile like you own the world.

    4. Control your movements. Make sure they are precise, crisp, and give off the vibe that you know what you’re doing and are in control. Don’t fumble about. The key here is to be smooth and relaxed, but not robotic. Think James Bond.

    5. Be direct with your words. Don’t equivocate. While you will be saying as little as possible, say what you mean. Ask for what you want. Take charge of the situation. Now, this does not mean be rude to people. That’s silly. Instead, be polite. You know, use those manners your mom and dad tried to teach you back in the day. And as for sex, think it, but don’t say it. THINK IT, BUT DON’T SAY IT. It will come out in how you say your words, and your sly smile. And don’t over compliment her. A sincere compliment is one that is meant and well placed. Do not waste it.

    6. Lower the tone of your voice. That’s right, lower the tone. A slightly deeper voice is attractive to women.

    7. Check your clothes. Sloppy people do not appear confidence. Check your clothes getting out of the car, when you go to the bathroom, etc. Don’t go for vanity, there’s only one lady on the date. But do make sure you are looking neat, no matter what you are wearing. And suck in your gut.

    Hopefully with these tips, you’ll be on your way to appearing confident and dating successfully.

    Caution, there is a difference between confident and cocky, self assured and self importance, assertive and aggressive, and that difference is one of degree. Too much of anything is a bad thing.

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    Dating Tip: Avoid Appearing Distracted

    On 12.29.09, In Dating Advice, Female, Male, By SinnerX

    Ever been on a date with someone who consistently seems distracted? It is definitely a turn off. It can also be seen as a sign of a bad date or disinterest in what’s going on. So be careful that you don’t unintentionally send the wrong signal by being or appearing distracted. There are a few simple things you can do to minimize dating distractions.

    1. Turn off your cell phone. Yep. Turn it off. Period. Unless you are worried about your kids safety, there really is no reason to have it on. (Well there is one, but we’ll cover that in another blog entry). No texting or websurfing. Again, is that message that important? Probably not. You can answer it after your date.

    2. Choose where you go/sit with intimacy in mind. That’s right, pick a location where you can focus on the other person. Some place quiet and intimate. Find a small table in the corner or back where there is less foot traffic so you won’t be distracted by other patrons.

    3. Maintain eye contact. That’s right. Looking people in the eyes gives a sense of intimacy and attention.

    4. Intermix your date’s name into the conversation. People love to hear the sound of their own name. Use it. Intermix your dates name in your conversation. They will feel like you are paying more attention to them because you will be occasionally calling their attention back to you. It will also make them feel positively towards you because you are subconsciously making them happy by calling their name.

    5. Touch your date. Again, physical contact screams intimacy. Small touches to the arms, hands, and shoulders while talking so that you’re paying attention.

    6. Get close. Invade your date’s personal space. Make your date comfortable with your presence. It is hard to focus on something else when your inside of your date’s comfort zone.

    Following these few simple tips will make your date more productive and avoid sending mixed signals. It will also help you have more fun on the date by keeping you present in the moment and connecting with someone new.

    Update 12/30/09
    I went to dinner last night with a lady who is a friend and she was very distracted with her phone. It was very disconcerting. Fortunately, I knew that she was communicating with her daughter about what time to pick her up from the movies. Had this been a “real date” there would not be another in her future even under those understandable circumstances. Beware people. It really does leave a bad impression.

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    Three Things Every Guy Should Do For A Successful First Date

    On 12.27.09, In Dating Advice, Male, By SinnerX

    I really went on my first date at approximately 36 years old. No I wasn’t living at home with my mother or some pervert or a dork. I simply got married when I was 21. At 21, I had never gone on a real date. Back then it was more hanging out than dating. So I never had a real date until after my divorce. I quickly found out I was horrible at it.

    So, being a bit of a nerd, I begin researching the art of dating. I had to learn what to do. I haven’t mastered it. But I have come up with a few concrete first date tips. Keep in mind that I am not a pick up artist so these tips are not designed to turn you into one either. But I firmly believe that it will turn you into a more effective dater.

    1. Plan your date based on your objectives. Now it seems simple, but has a thousand complexities. What is the purpose of the date? Is it to get to know each other? Or is it to try to have sex with your date? Gasp. Yes, I said it. Why? Chatting in a quaint cafe until past closing will not get you sex if that’s your goal. She’ll be tired and so will you. Then having to drive 20 minutes to the hotel is dumb if you’re looking for sex afterwards. Great date, horrible outcome. Similarly, getting her drunk in your local bar will not let you get to know her either. And getting to know someone at the movies is as impossible as talking over loud music at a club. Just won’t happen. So what is your actual goal for the date? Once you know that, you can plan accordingly.

    2. Never sit across the table from your date, ever. Yes, I know that is how the restaurant / coffee shop / muffin shop would like you to sit so you can gaze lovingly into each others eyes, but don’t do it. Why? Unless you want to end up in the dreaded friend zone, you have to get her comfortable with being touched by you in a non-creepy way. If you sit across from her, you have an entire table in between you and have to reach across that void just to touch her hand, which she will likely have to extend to you, but won’t. So why put that barrier between someone you’re trying to get close to. Instead, sit beside her. Then just turn towards her, toss your arm over the back of the chair. That way, when appropriate, you can touch her shoulder or arm or hand in a non-sexual non-threatening way that’s part of natural conversation. It also makes it easy to share food or let her taste your drink, etc. It also makes the drop off hug or kiss much less intimidating since you’ve already been inside each other’s personal space. I shouldn’t have to say it, but I will, for heaven’s sake do not put your hand on her knee or anywhere below her waist.

    3. Shut up, listen and ask questions. I will say it again, shut up and listen to her. Ok, you can think about the game or washing your car, but keep your mouth closed. I don’t mean be a dumb mute, but to ask questions so that she does the majority of the talking. See, if a woman is on a date with you, you’ve made it past the “will I date him stage”, and are now into the “let’s see if he screws this upstage.” Women judge you based on what comes out of your mouth. So what you have to do is let her talk. People love to hear themselves talk about their favorite topic which is themselves. So let her. Instead of rambling on about how much money you make, your car, or your ex-wife/girlfriend, ask her questions about her. Find out her hobbies and life experiences. Search for that common ground that you both share. Golf? Movies? Acid Jazz? Use that to bond with her and keep from screwing yourself up. Also, be nice to the wait staff. She’s listening to everything you say and watching how you treat not only her, but others.

    Those are my top three tips. There are others, but if you nail these three, you may even get a second date. Well that and sex. Here is a bonus tip: Charming and confident wins all the time.

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    A Blackberry is a perfect cheating device.

    On 12.23.09, In Dating Advice, By SinnerX

    My twitter followers know that I just got a new Blackberry Tour. I used to have an old blackberry pearl but left T-mobile and it behind years ago. Since I’m a bit of a nerd, I tend to read a lot about the different devices that are at my disposal and reading about the Tour, I found a nifty feature that makes this the device for daters and cheaters.

    What feature could it be? Well, I’m not the President of the United States, or a CEO worried about corporate espionage, but we all probably love this same feature. The Blackberry can be set to lock after a certain time of no use and require a password to unlock the device.

    Now if you’re a cheater or just someone with a nosy spouse, you can set the number of log in attempts to a low number like 2. After the second failed log in, the Blackberry automatically wipes itself clean. Now this can be a pain if you haven’t backed up your data, but I think you can live with it.

    Once the blackberry has cleaned itself of all incriminating evidence, you can happily (or unhappily depending on how you want to play it) confront your spouse, lover, mother, etc., about snooping about your “work” device.

    Again, the key is not to give an actual working password until it is too late. I suggest, giving the significant other the actual password before there is anything to be found on it. Then to switch the password when you start doing dirt. That way the significant other will fall into the trap of entering your bogus password. This does two things, deletes your data, but tells you that there is a snoop about the premises.

    Lest I forget, honesty is the better policy, but if you can’t be honest, you might as well be smart about it.

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